You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Randomize
