Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
