I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
They took my balls.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
