Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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