i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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