meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
