U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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