Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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