Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
