I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
