During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
My breasts were aching with rage.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
