Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
