When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
