I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
