I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
