Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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