My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
