Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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