I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
