my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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