we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
