had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
