what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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