the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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