Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
