yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
