On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
