you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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