p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
