Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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