I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
