We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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