Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
