I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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