I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
