I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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