oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
