Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
