Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
