good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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