how can u be prego again
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
