were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
