I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
