Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
