The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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