They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
