So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
