I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
