From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
cat food counts as protein by the way
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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