My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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